Bimonthly
by Achava
Summary: In which Sasuke tries to make Naruto understand his sexual preference and Naruto feels like being difficult. Crack. One-shot. SasuNaruSasu.


I wrote this one awhile ago in a fit of antsy energy and stress about school in an attempt to calm my nerves. I then proceeded to completely forget about its existense on my hard drive. As I was deleting old documents on my computer last night I ran across it again and decided that I might as well upload it.

**Warnings: **Shonen-ai, as in boyxboy, as in if you are homophobic or prejudiced you might as well hit the back button now. Also, this story is complete and utter crack with no actual point or purpose. I suppose it is slight AU since, while it lacks a time reference, it doesn't really coordinate with Sasuke's defection from Konoha. I would also like to preempitvely apologize for Naruto's slight OOCness (he is supposed to be a bit younger here) because I personally prefer him when he is cooler, smarter, and altogether a more rounded character, but he didn't come out as such in this one-shot. But again, this story was solely to distract myself from school and it basically wrote itself. And lastly, it is unbetaed.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the anime/manga series Naruto nor do I own any of its characters.

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**Bimonthly**

This would be the absolute _last _time that Sasuke ever underestimated Naruto.

"Sasukeeee," Naruto drawled, "If you wanted to stare at my butt, you could have just asked. I would be happy to give you a private showing." Naruto smiled cheekily at his teammate as he wagged his blond eyebrows up and down.

Then again, Sasuke reasoned, he did seem to possess a penchant for underestimating the sheer level of Naruto's idiocy.

"I mean, if you're gay," the blond continued, "you could have just told me. It's not like I'd care if you were batting for the other team or nothin'. You're my best friend, believe it. I'd totally accept you no matter what gender you think about when you beat your meat." Naruto paused and allowed the smug look to slowly fade from his face. "Eh? Sasuke, I think something is wrong with your eye. It's got this really steady twitch thing going on…" Not garnering any reply from the stoic Uchiha, Naruto tried once more. "Unless that's just the face you make in bed and you're still ogling me?"

That. Was. It. If the blond wanted an answer, then fine! He'd give him an answer!

"I'm bi, moron."

Naruto stared cluelessly back at him, but Sasuke wasn't sure if the look in his eye was genuine curiosity or playfulness.

"I don't get it, Sasuke. Like _bi_lingual? 'Cause, y'know, so am I! I'm fluent in Japanese and the universal language of loooove."

Another pause.

"Sasuke? Seriously, man, if you're eye keeps twitching like that it might become permanent, and I don't know if Sakura-chan or Old Lady Tsunade will be able to heal it."

"No, you dumb ass! I am not bilingual! I'm just bi."

Now Sasuke was certain that Naruto was just joking. Yep, one hundred percent certain. Absolutely. Definitely. Without a doubt. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe not.

"Like…_bi_coastal?

"No."

"_Bi_nary?"

"No."

"_Bi_carbonate?"

"No---wait, what?"

"You know, like a base that neutralizes acids? Like what those alchemists are always talking about?"

Sasuke wondered briefly if his liquor cabinet held anything strong enough to alleviate the steady pressure that was building behind his eyes.

"Do I look like a chemical compound to you!?"

To Sasuke's utter mortification, the blond actually squinted at him and started tilting his head from side to side.

"Well, I guess not. But maybe if I were upside-down and had some sort of diagram as an example to compare you to…"

Scratch that. Sasuke had _definitely _been underestimating Naruto's lack of intelligence for years upon years.

"For Jutsu's sake, Naruto! I'm not _bi_nary, or a _bi_cyclist, or _bi-_chemically composed or any of that! I'm just _bi!_" And in a fit of pure impatience and flustered rage that was, he would later recall, completely unbefitting of an Uchiha, Sasuke grabbed his teammates shirt in one hand, fisted his other in blond hair, and yanked the slightly taller boy forward until two pairs of lips met.

Naruto's teeth jarred as the two first met, a move that left him so blind-sided that he was momentarily stunned. But Naruto was brought back to reality as he felt thin lips, gentler this time, start to move against his own, alternating between kissing the top and bottom of his mouth. Sasuke nibbled gently on the other boy's swollen bottom lip, silently asking for permission. The blond acquiesced immediately, wondering if perhaps Sasuke was going to show him that he had sprouted a second tongue (was it possible that the Uchiha had meant _bi-_tongued?).

Sasuke calculated that he was mere centimeters from molesting Naruto's uvula before he pulled away. Black eyes gazed into hooded and hazed blue before Sasuke decided that the kiss had ended much too sweetly to fit in with their rivalry. And so, before the other boy could come to his senses and push him away, Sasuke took the opportunity to swoop down and clamp his teeth directly over a protruding Adam's apple.

Three…two…one…

"HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?"

Sasuke just smirked and put another tally by his name on his mental scoreboard while the blond scowled at him as he wiped a hand over his now throbbing throat.

"Holy Jutsu, Uchiha! What do you do, sharpen those things?! And look, I still don't get what you mean by bi!" This time Sasuke was willing to bet money that he saw a mischievous twinkle in blue eyes. "The only thing I have left is that you mean _bi_monthly, like a magazine, or something that comes out twice a month."

Sasuke was about to dispute when he stopped and thought for a moment. "Alright Uzumaki, you're description of 'bimonthly' is close enough to satisfy me for the moment." And with that, Sasuke turned on his heal and marched away.

"Hey, Sasuke, wait up! Does being _bi_monthly include you treating me to ramen twice a month?"

"You know, Dobe, out of all the ridiculous things that you've said in the past fifteen minutes, that may well have been the dumbest."

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**Author's Notes: **Well, that's all folks. Reviews are appreciated. Oh, and I happened to write another SasuNaruSasu one-shot at 1 a.m. last night featuring a merboy!Naruto and human!Sasuke. It starts out immature and gets deeper as you read on. If anyone would like to volunteer to beta it since I'd like to post it before school starts again next week, I'd love to hear from you.

Happy New Year!

-Achava


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